I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
