Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
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