She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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