Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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