instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Randomize
