I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
