I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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