Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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