Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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