I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
