wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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