think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
