The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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