the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
