"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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