its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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