sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
