What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
