My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
