remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
