I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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