My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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