I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
