Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
