He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Randomize