oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Your penis caused this!
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