you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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