when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
