Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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