did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Someone shattered a urinal.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
