He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Randomize