Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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