I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
