I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
i was born a porn star she said
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
