Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
