my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
