I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
