Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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