We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Randomize
