You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
