Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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