you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
He? As in you personified your dick?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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