Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
