When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
