mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
