Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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