Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
