yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Randomize
