I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize