My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
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