You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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