You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
