I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
