oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
If I die, sorry about rent.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
