I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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