Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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