She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
